The day I lost my job…
Last Wednesday I went into work and it was like every other day, except that day, I was told, I was being laid off. Deep down, I knew that it would happen eventually if things did not pick up for the business, because I am the accountant. I figured I had more time and that it would be on my own terms. Losing a job is tough, even if you wanted out of there. But the worst part for me was how it all went down. I worked with all men and I was treated differently. I didn’t get an annual raise, but the (we’ll call him) young guy in the office did. He deserved it, but so did I.
When my boss/company owner laid off the warehouse guy, he did it between just the two of them, no witnesses. But when he called me into the boardroom to do the same, it was with him and said young guy, my junior. This made the experience even more humiliating.
To recap, I walk into the boardroom and see the young guy sitting at the table, I ask “what’s this about” and he shrugs his shoulders. My boss walked in and stands behind the young guy. He starts by saying “you know we are going to be laying people off and I want to know if you want a package or the offer to come back if things pick up?” At first, I thought he was talking to me and the young guy. I’m looking at them looking at me, and then realize that this meeting is meant just for me. I sit there as every emotion possible passes through me, but the biggest injustice was stripping me of my dignity. I had to process this news in front of my co-worker. As tears start to hover, I get up, walk out of the room, get my purse and leave the building. I was not going to let them see me breakdown.
Fuck you!
I drove home in tears, mostly from the indignity that I felt. I was angry because I felt the lack of respect. The tears were tears of frustration and fear. I am single, with a mortgage, and the weight of that hit me in the chest. I felt like there was a 300 pound man sitting on me. I couldn’t breath and I thought I was going to throw up. Losing your job is hard, my parents and brother went through it, but for them, at least they had a partner to rely on. When you have no one to lean on to get you through the tough financial times or, to have as a support system, you panic. In that moment I realized just how alone I was. My friends and family are wonderful and they were there for me, but at night when you’re lying in bed and the fears return because you are no longer distracted, is when you feel the loneliness. Those are the moments that I know I want a partner. I wanted to cry on someone’s shoulder, to be hugged and told it’ll be okay and that “we’ll get through it”.
I eventually told my boss I wanted the package, and that meant I had to go in the next day. The young guy was surprised to see me, said “I didn’t think you’d return”. But I had to. I’m the only one that will do up my unemployment record and do payroll, and I want to ensure I get what’s owing to me. If I didn’t need the money I would have said “fuck you”. I mustered all that I had to get myself in there that next day, only to find he had changed all my passwords, so I couldn’t do anything. He tells me to get the filing in order and to make list of where everything is for him…just an excuse for more indignity. I asked him “why are you making me feel like a criminal?” I never got an answer. Eventually I got my access back, and he gave me a list of things he wanted done by end of next week …..the final indignity.
I know this is a blessing in disguise. The universe has pushed me out of a very demeaning situation. I only have one more week of dealing with a chauvinistic boss, and a pervey programmer (blog to follow). I will no longer be made to feel bad for doing my job properly and, I won’t have to listen to all the cock talk any more. There is a silver lining…
If you are reading this and are, going through something similar, I know how you are feeling. The weight on your chest is heavy, but hopefully you have a shoulder to lean on when you crawl into bed. If you are alone like me, the only way to not be crying all the time is to get into survival mode. Put your focus on your resume, jump on Indeed and start applying for jobs. Submit your application for Employment Insurance so there are no delays. Call your friends and family. The first days are an emotional whirlwind, you’ll have no appetite, no sleep, nervous poos and constantly be on the verge of tears, but you will get through this.
If you’ve lost a job please share your experience with us. Tell us how you got through it or, if you need a shoulder to lean on, we are here.
Remember you’re not alone!
Commando Barbie
Glamour Girl
Hopeful in TO
Queen B
Single Gals 