It’s not you….I’m asexual

I’m blogging again as a single gal. I was not going to post about anything that happened in my last relationship or in this case didn’t happen, but I think there may be others out there that need to know they are not alone. I was with my ex for 4 years, and now that I’ve had time to find me again I’m sharing my story.

As with all relationships, it started off with great expectations. I think that is where it all went wrong but that’s another blog post. Things were good, not great but sometimes you think you want something so bad you make it better then it is. There were signs in the beginning that told me this was not going to last forever but nothing prepared me for the emotional mind fuck of my partner telling me he that he was asexual. I Googled asexuality and just stared at this definition….

What is Asexuality?

Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a persistent lack of sexual attraction toward any gender. At least 1% of people are believed to be asexual.

Now you may be wondering how this conversation came about, it was actually a big issue in our relationship. After a couple years he was just not interested in me physically. Of course I internalized that but tell me how you couldn’t. Your with someone and they wanted you in the beginning but then lose interest. We had lengthy conversations about it. At first it was all about his past, his issues with his father and the trauma he caused. I was trying to understand and suggested he talk to someone to help him address these issues. He did go to one therapy session but decided he’ll deal with it on his own. Eventually this lead him to Google his lack of intimacy issues and he decided he was asexual.

I did not share this with anyone for a long while. I was so hurt and felt so rejected that I could not have anyone else know of my shame. It took a long time for that to fester into anger instead I went into sad ugly place. I stopped doing things I loved, this is not his doing, he just said the words but this is how I let them effect me. I just continued to go through the motions of being in a relationship until I could no longer stand myself. Yes I could not stand how I let myself go and I wanted more. I could no longer live in his world of anger and self pity, so I ended it.

Ending the relationship was the easy part it had ended long before I walked away. The hard part was the struggle to get my self-esteem back. When someone would rather believe they were asexual then be intimate with you it, it leaves a scar. You feel unloveable and it hurts. For anyone that is feeling this way at this moment I can tell you it’s their issues NOT yours, even thought this is true it will not sink in. You have probably told yourself over and over it’s not me, however deep down you don’t believe that.

The struggle is to get your beliefs about yourself to match all the good stuff you tell yourself. All the positive self talk in the world will do fuck all if you don’t believe what you’re saying! So how do you get yourself to the place of believing. Start by doing something that you love. For me that’s working out, nothing makes me feel stronger then when I feel like I’ve pushed myself.

What is that thing that makes you feel invincible?

All you need to do is find that thing. You know what it is, it’s whatever gives you joy. The thing that if you talk about it, you light up. Finding your thing will slowly lead to the new you! Start there the rest just falls into place. You will find your confidence again, you WILL feel desirable and loveable again. I am still working on me and that’s a good thing it’s when we stop working on ourselves that we let our truth be taken from us.

We are all lovable in our own ways, we just need to find the people that accept us as we are!

Remember you are not alone!

Guess Who’s Coming to Dinner?

As you all know I have recently become a plus one. I have been single for 6 years and have had a couple very short-term relationships, but never have I felt such an instant connection with someone; until now.  It has been a long while since I have been in a committed relationship so I’ve forgotten all the firsts:

1)      The first time meeting friends

2)      The first time meeting each other’s families

3)      The first time he spends the night

And so on…

This past weekend I meet his family for the first time. Even though I briefly met his mother a few weeks back it was just a hello, so on Sunday I met his mother, step-dad, sister and brother in-law for his mom’s birthday dinner. I was nervous because you want your partner’s family to like and accept you, and you know they are watching your every move, comment … etc.

I am a 5’ 9” blonde, blue-eyed, Irish / Métis Indian / French Canadian mix and he is 100% Korean. We’ve have know each other for almost two years, which makes this relationship is easy, and peaceful.  So YES I was worried his mom may not approve of me. I worried that she may want her son to be with a beautiful Korean girl so they could make beautiful Korean babies; or that she may be one of those mom’s that thinks NO girl is good enough for her baby boy.

Well I was wrong on all counts! Apparently I had her at ‘Hello’… That first encounter when I just said ‘Hi’ she gave ‘My Lover’ (okay his name is Steve but I’m going to call him my lover, just cause I can) a high-five and asked how he managed to get me.  When his mom and step-dad arrived at the restaurant on Sunday, she sat beside me and within minutes told me that if ‘My Lover’ does anything I do not like to tell her and she will set him straight. She also said that no matter what she will always take my side and told her son not to mess things up. Win! Win!

Never have I met a boyfriend’s mother that told her son to not mess things up. In past the mother’s in my partner’s lives have liked and grown to love me but they were always telling me what to do for their baby boys to make sure they are treated the way they treat them. Um if I wanted a baby boy I’d get pregnant, not date one! It’s so refreshing to finally meet a mom that does not think I have to cater to her son; rather he has to cater to me! To me this is just another sign that it was meant to be.

I loved his family they are lovely people, and by the end of the night his mom invited us to dinner next week, hugged and told me she loves me.

Next it will be ‘My Lover’s’ turn to be on the proverbial chopping block, when we spend the day with my brother’s family.  He will have to wait to meet my folks since they live in another province but I know they will be as accepting of him as his family was of me.

If you’re in a new relationship going through your “Firsts” I wish you luck, try not to over think it and just be you.

Cheers!

My Gasssy Story

You know when you are in a new relationship and you want the guy to think that you wake up looking decent? And, if he is staying for several days in a row, that you are a sexy gal and as such, you certainly don’t fart (and girls don’t poop either, right?)!

At first I tried leaving a tiny bit of make-up on my eyes when going to bed, however I would wake up in the morning looking slightly raccoon-esque and frankly, looked terrible. So I completely gave up on that aspect and embraced the fact that I am simply someone that is not going to wake up looking pretty. So, let’s focus on the other……

I did not think I was a gassy person, but perhaps I just never noticed while sleeping alone. One evening in the middle of the night, I actually woke myself up with a toot! I immediately became wide awake and with sheer panic, opened my eyes to see if he was awake. Oh please God, be asleep! He was! I listened to his slow, even breathing and deducted that he wasn’t faking on my account. Phew!

On another more recent visit, we were out for a couple of drinks on his last night in town. I tell you this as my stomach never appreciates when I mix beer and wine in one sitting. Low and behold, I wake myself up the next morning with an unhappy belly and the stinkiest fart I have ever, ever had! It smelled so badly that I knew I was going to be caught this time! I opened my eyes slowly to look at him and ohhhhh……his eyes were open!!!! Ugggghhhh!

Internally I was dying (frankly, that’s what it smelled like too!) and he had a bit of a smirk but didn’t say anything. We had to get up super early so I could drive him to the airport so he simply got up and went to shower. What to do, what to do? Do I say anything? Do I make a joke? Do I blame him because no sexy woman would release toxic fumes like that!

In my humiliated state, I said nothing. We are usually kind of quiet when we know the end of our visit together is ending but I did not want THAT to be the last thing he remembered from his trip! Still, I said nothing……

About three days later, I get a text message from him, “hahahaha- omg I am still laughing. You were soooo stinky on Friday morning! And I was so polite I didn’t even make fun of you!” Well, there it was! He was having a good laugh several days later, which of course meant that it really was the last thing he remembered from our visit! Uggghhh! No, no, no!!!!! I wrote back that that wasn’t nice, my belly was upset that morning! I also decided to make light of the situation and have a laugh at myself too. “Hahaha- yes, I did not want your last memory of our visit to be of me being stinky!”

Admittedly, I have become somewhat neurotic about this now. However, girls fart too! If it happens again (please no!), I will handle it differently and not ignore the elephant in the room. I will make light of it, laugh, and/or blame my non-existant dog.

Commando Barbie

My Sex is on Fire

I would like to introduce you to ‘Commando Barbie‘, she endured the torture of getting a Brazilian wax done for her new beau and this is her story.

I recently started seeing someone who lives in the States and after some fantastic visits, along came the request “I would love it if you would have everything waxed”. Ugghh! I was used to getting bikini waxes but had never gotten a full Brazilian done before! He had sort of hap-hazardly mentioned it before as well, so I thought I would book an appointment and surprise him for his next visit.

I made the appointment for Friday evening as he was going to be flying in on Saturday afternoon. All week I was preparing myself mentally and doing the daily countdown until it became the hourly countdown. I figured that although it may hurt and be a bit embarrassing in front of the waxer, my new beau was definitely going to make this worth my while!

When I got to my appointment, I made a point of telling the waxer that I had never done this before and that I felt a bit nervous. She told me that it hurts the most the first time. The second time, it feels a bit less intense and after that it will not be nearly as sensitive. That made sense to me- it doesn’t bother me in the least now to get my eyebrows done, and my bikini line is no longer that sensitive……

Despite my mental preparations, I turned into a complete sweaty, nervous mess lying half naked on the paper covered table. She had me pull on my skin to hold it in place while she waxed and ripped away. However, after a few rips, a very strange thing happened! I was barely tolerating the situation when she bent over and started blowing on me! She then tore another strip and then blew, another strip and then blew. I have to say that realizing what she was doing did take the pain away for a moment as I was so taken by surprise. And then oddly, it actually gave me some relief on my burning self! Oh, it was burning! I believe I actually laughed a little at the hilarity of the situation. I was paying someone to cause me complete and utter discomfort! And this woman is actually blowing on my vagina and I am not yelling at her to stop!

Then she began waxing along the middle. My finding the situation funny immediately turned to complete anger with this pain. I first wanted to punch her in the face and then I wanted to rip every hair out of my new boyfriend’s body. I actually stopped her for a second to ask her if I could book an appointment for him. She said no. As the grand finale, she had me flip over and waxed my ass crack, which oddly was not sensitive. However, that is something I would rather not do ever again.

I left for home walking with my legs spread and still feeling raw anger, I ruined the surprise by texting my boyfriend to tell him how annoyed I was at him over the whole experience.

I was still sore when I picked him up from the airport and he felt terrible for having made the request. But, by the next day it was fine! I did feel a bit shy about him seeing me as I felt a very different level of nakedness and I’m still not used to it. But yes, he did make it worth my while.

Will I do it again? I am highly doubtful. However, if I do decide to give it a second try (perhaps while drunk) I will go to another place that Hopeful in TO recommended.

Commando Barbie