It’s not you….I’m asexual

I’m blogging again as a single gal. I was not going to post about anything that happened in my last relationship or in this case didn’t happen, but I think there may be others out there that need to know they are not alone. I was with my ex for 4 years, and now that I’ve had time to find me again I’m sharing my story.

As with all relationships, it started off with great expectations. I think that is where it all went wrong but that’s another blog post. Things were good, not great but sometimes you think you want something so bad you make it better then it is. There were signs in the beginning that told me this was not going to last forever but nothing prepared me for the emotional mind fuck of my partner telling me he that he was asexual. I Googled asexuality and just stared at this definition….

What is Asexuality?

Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a persistent lack of sexual attraction toward any gender. At least 1% of people are believed to be asexual.

Now you may be wondering how this conversation came about, it was actually a big issue in our relationship. After a couple years he was just not interested in me physically. Of course I internalized that but tell me how you couldn’t. Your with someone and they wanted you in the beginning but then lose interest. We had lengthy conversations about it. At first it was all about his past, his issues with his father and the trauma he caused. I was trying to understand and suggested he talk to someone to help him address these issues. He did go to one therapy session but decided he’ll deal with it on his own. Eventually this lead him to Google his lack of intimacy issues and he decided he was asexual.

I did not share this with anyone for a long while. I was so hurt and felt so rejected that I could not have anyone else know of my shame. It took a long time for that to fester into anger instead I went into sad ugly place. I stopped doing things I loved, this is not his doing, he just said the words but this is how I let them effect me. I just continued to go through the motions of being in a relationship until I could no longer stand myself. Yes I could not stand how I let myself go and I wanted more. I could no longer live in his world of anger and self pity, so I ended it.

Ending the relationship was the easy part it had ended long before I walked away. The hard part was the struggle to get my self-esteem back. When someone would rather believe they were asexual then be intimate with you it, it leaves a scar. You feel unloveable and it hurts. For anyone that is feeling this way at this moment I can tell you it’s their issues NOT yours, even thought this is true it will not sink in. You have probably told yourself over and over it’s not me, however deep down you don’t believe that.

The struggle is to get your beliefs about yourself to match all the good stuff you tell yourself. All the positive self talk in the world will do fuck all if you don’t believe what you’re saying! So how do you get yourself to the place of believing. Start by doing something that you love. For me that’s working out, nothing makes me feel stronger then when I feel like I’ve pushed myself.

What is that thing that makes you feel invincible?

All you need to do is find that thing. You know what it is, it’s whatever gives you joy. The thing that if you talk about it, you light up. Finding your thing will slowly lead to the new you! Start there the rest just falls into place. You will find your confidence again, you WILL feel desirable and loveable again. I am still working on me and that’s a good thing it’s when we stop working on ourselves that we let our truth be taken from us.

We are all lovable in our own ways, we just need to find the people that accept us as we are!

Remember you are not alone!

Iyanla Fix My ‘Love’ Life…

Monday evening I turn on the TV and it happens to be on the OWN network. I see that Iylanla Fix My Life is coming on next. I was about to change the channel when the show starts and Iyanla asked “what’s making you single?” Then she goes on to say that she will be dealing with common mistakes that women make causing them to remain single. Needless to say I sat my ass back down and did not move from the TV for the next hour.

First she starts off with ‘It’s not HIM! Stop blaming HIM!’ Very powerful words, at first you may read this and get your knickers all bunched up but after you’ve gotten over your righteous indignation really think about these words. The ‘HIM’ in your life may very well be a narcissistic ass that puts you down all the time, a  commitment phobe , lazy  or whatever else you have labeled the men that have let you down. When she says stop blaming him she is saying look deep within yourself and ask WHY did you pick him in the first place? Did you pick the man who constantly puts you down because you believe that you are not good enough so you picked someone who is willing to verbalize your belief?

Do you believe that all the good ones are taken? That all men just want one thing and do not want to commit? Or that you don’t need a man because you can take care of yourself? Whatever it is that you’re verbalizing for you lack of love is exactly what you will find. Our limiting beliefs and fears will show up in our world. Buddha said it best “All that we are is the result of what we have thought”

Iyanla asked the audience to truthfully answer the following questions:

1)      What’s getting in the way of finding the one you love? What gets in my ways is_______________

2)      What is it that you don’t want a man to know about you? I don’t want him to know __________________

In order to fix your single life you need to fix your belief system. So ladies grab a notepad and write down all of your limiting beliefs and fears, read them, think about them and then write a new postive affirming belief beside it. Say these new beliefs out loud and start believing them.

Iyanla gave everyone homework, she said to go out there and say Hi to every man you pass (every man without a women hanging off his arm that is). Just say Hi without expecting anything from it. So gals get out there and a flash your pearly whites, and see what happens.

I beleive you will find the love that you truly desire, do you?

She Shoots …..She Scores!!!

I think we should all set goals for ourselves. One reason being if you have goals in place it will help you get over the hurt to the ego when you discover that “He was just not that into you“. Also goals keep you focused that your life is more than being single, that you have ambitions and dreams. I have set goals in one form or another my whole life, and it is true what they say if you write them down you are taking your first step to putting those goals into action.

Last year I found this very cool goal setting tool on the Lululemon website. You fill in your short and long term goals with a date you expect to achieve them by and when it gets close to that date you get a goal reminder sent to you.  I just received such a reminder and my goal was to have taught my first spin class by end of January. It is now January 11 and I am nowhere near being close to achieving that goal. I mean I have my certification but I am not prepared for that first class just yet. I have reset the date for the end of March, by than I will be done school and back from my vacation. I plan to put a killer class together so that my first time out I feel confident I will teach the spin class that I have dreamed of teaching for the last two years.

Here it the link to the lululemon goaltender http://goals.lululemon.com/Default.aspx?timeout=true

I highly recommend that you give it a try and set your goals..Hey even if you don’t achieve them it could be fun to get that 5 year goal reminder that you were going to stalk Johnny Depp and have him tired up in your basement by July 2014… Even better if it comes true!!

Good luck with all your goals!!

Cheers!

Way to go team Marriott!

I am blessed to know some amazing women. My dear friend Nadine is of of these women. This past Sunday she had just completed a half marathon for the Leukemia Lymphoma Society (LLS). She sent out the following e-mail to all of her supporters and I loved it so much I thought it should be shared, to inspire us all to do great things.

Thank you so much to all supporters – both of me personally but most importantly of the Leukemia Lymphoma Society (LLS). Race day was on Sunday November 14th.It was a perfect day for running!! Great weather, beautiful coastline scenery, and now I can say, the 13.1 mile mission accomplished. The biggest accomplishment was all thanks to you – I was able to raise $2,192.92 (barely shy of my $2200 goal). Asa team, my 2 coworkers and I exceeded our fundraising goal and raised $6,671.50.

There were a lot of purple shirts in the Big Sur Half Marathon, signifying other team in training participants all running for a cure. As a group we raised just under a quarter million dollars. You were all a part of that and again I thank you. I had a great run for the first 10 miles. Felt strong and hit my stride…the last 3 miles were much more difficult. It was tough to hang on and I ended up walking more than I wanted to. I finished at 2 hours and 30 minutes but had hoped to finish10 to 15 minutes earlier than that. This was an amazingly inspiring endeavor and one I will treasure always. You always grow when you push yourself out of your comfort zone and do something you’ve never done before. I had done a half-marathon 7 years ago, but I had never fund raised anything more than $200 in my life. You also grow when you’re able to do something for someone other than yourself and have the ability to share your time, talent and/or treasure for people who you may never know personally. It is so gratifying to know that we’re all a part of something bigger than ourselves and to know how much we can accomplish when everyone does a little.

God bless you all!!

To see Nadine and her team in training: http://pages.teamintraining.org/sj/honolulu10/TeamMarriott 

If you’d like to learn more about joining Team In Training, you can visit: http://www.teamintraining.org.

Thank you Team Marriott for a job well done for a worthy cause.

You ladies rock! 

Cheers!

And the winner is….

Here is a little secret that I am going to share about me. I love entering contests. I don’t even think my closest friends know this. I enter to win stuff all the time, whether it is to win a pair of Leaf Tickets (I’ve been trying to win these for years), vacation giveaways, or home makeovers (this one makes no sense since I rent an apartment). 

I had recently submitted my name and e-mail in to be one of ten models for the Heart and Stroke Old Navy Fashion Show at The National Women’s Show in Toronto. They called me last Friday to tell me that I have been chosen to be one of the models for that show.  I won!  I was so excited that I won something that I forgot that I have a huge fear of being in front of people. I hate public speaking and I would rather not be the centre of attention. Now I am going to be walking down a runway in front of a few hundred people or more. What was I thinking when I entered that contest?

I am going forward with this, I am excited and scared shitless at the same time. It is exciting because we will be working with an imagine consultant and I have always wanted to do that. It will be nice to see what wardrobe suggestions they have for me.  I’m a jeans and t-shirt kind of gal, and I have wanted to change things up for some time and now that time has come.  I am scared shitless because I will have to walk on a runway in front of hundreds of people, just writing that gets my heart rate up. They say the only way to overcome your fears is to face them, not only will I be facing my fear that day I will be kicking it in the butt (hopefully). 

What is Fear? I read once that Fear = False Evidence Appearing Real, I like that because it is true. I am fearful that I will look ridiculous or fall on my face and people will be there thinking “what’s wrong with that girl, what was she thinking when she entered this contest?”… Basically I have a fear of them judging me.  It’s crazy because I will never know if they thought that, most people are not that judgemental and for the most part are very supportive. Also, why do we stress over something that hasn’t happened yet and yet does not exist? We work ourselves into a frenzy over the worst case scenarios and it takes away from our enjoyment of the journey, because even in worse case scenarios it’s never has bad as what you thought in your head.

My mission this week is to enjoy the journey, which includes a fitting, fashion consultation, runway practice and more. I will have my best gal pals out in the audience wishing me nothing but success, so really what is there to be afraid, how a girl can go wrong with such a great support team behind her? 

Ladies have you faced a fear? What was your experience please tell us about it. Or if you have a fear you haven’t faced tell us about maybe another SG follower has overcome that fear and can shed some insight for us all.

Wish me luck!

We all need inspiration once in a while

Recently my friend Amanda has announced her desire to compete in a fitness competition. Her goal is to be on stage by October. I support my friend in her mission and believe I will be one face among many that will be cheering her on. I give her words of encouragement because I want Amanda to succeed. I believe everything that I tell her, however I do not always follow my own advice.  I advised Amanda to start a blog about her fitness journey, I told her that once she puts her goals out there the support will come in and it has.  I also told her not to worry about what others think. There will be friends and family members that think  you’re crazy and may discourage you from your mission, but once they see that you are serious they will come around. Then again maybe they won’t, but not to worry there will be plenty of people in her corner. I believe this, but I have not incorporated this into my life, well not 100% at least. I too have goals and have slowly started to share some of them but I admit I am fearful that those closest to me will not understand or support me.

I had announced to my classmates last month that one goal for this summer was to get my spinning certificate and to teach a Rock spin class at my gym. I been thinking about this awhile now, because I am so tired of hip-hop and Britney Spears and I think here must be others that feel the same way. I want to teach the Friday night class because there is no set instructor for that class and Friday night is a good night to get your Rock On!! When I made this announcement to my class I said if I can do this I can do anything and I believe this. However I am terrified, I am a quiet person, I do not yell and have been told that I am soft spoken. I have jumped leaps and bounds in getting my voice heard but to yell into a headset at 40 people will be my ultimate test. Amanda has told me that my words of “If I can do this, I can do anything” were motivating for her. Now Amanda I have to tell you that when  you said that to me, you motivated me to live by my words. So I have taken step number one and have registered for the Spin Instructor Certificate Program on July 10th (that was the first available date) , so come the end of July I will teach my first Rockin Spin class.

Now I am living by my words and announcing my goal to cyberspace. Its out there, I registered and now I have to put my money where my mouth is and follow through. Thanks Amanda for inspiring me!!

What are your goals and dreams?  I’d love to hear them. If you need words of encouragement or support, e-mail me I’d be happy to cheer you on. I love hearing of peoples success stories and I love supporting people in pursuing their dreams.

Here is Amanda’s blog and you too can cheer her on.   http://myjourneyintotheworldoffitness.blogspot.com/

Cheers!
Hopeful in TO

My Journey

On the weekend of Oct 16 – 18 2009 I had the pleasure of attending PHAT (Power, Hard work, Attitude and Triumph) Camp hosted by Jen Hendershott – Ms. Fitness International 2009. I have attended PHAT Camp for 3 years now. It always amazes me that every year the experience is so different and I learn a little more about myself and the great things I can accomplish. This year was extra special for me because I got to introduce my new love to my fellow campers and that love is Cookin Greens. I think Cookin Greens is the best thing since sliced bread and so do my fellow PHAT Campers here are some their comments:

Rose said “This is frozen kale? I made fresh kale last night and this tastes exactly the same!”

Janice said “I went home and ate a whole bag of kale it was so good”.

Here is Jen Hendershott enjoying her Greens and Jen say “MMMMMMMMM Good”.

The Phat Camp Ladies love Cookin Greens:

To all the girls out there who think they CAN’T do something, take that word out of you vocabulary NOW. Three years ago I was sitting in a parking lot, full of anxiety about attending my first Phat Camp. I felt I didn’t belong, wouldn’t make friends and that everyone would question why I was there. I sat in my car for over 30 minutes berating myself. I finally got the courage to get out of my car. Thankfully I did as that was my first step on my new journey to better health, better beliefs and finding my passion. Here I am now, 3 years later, pursuing an education in Holistic Nutrition, promoting a product that I believe in and speaking in public (and being told I’m a natural at it!). I couldn’t see this point in my life back then, but I now believe that if you follow your heart it will always lead you to great things and real happiness.

So girls get rid of those fears, test the waters and follow your heart. We all deserve to find and live our passion.

Cheers!
Single Gal