How to survive the online dating world

I grew up in the 90’s dating era, it was a time when you met a boy, he took your number and YES he called you. Usually, it ended up being a relationship. Imagine that meeting and investing time to get to know each other, how primitive.

Now I must contend with online dating, I have never been a fan but how does one find a life partner when you can’t go to events or social gatherings. I conceded defeat and joined Bumble, I like the concept that the woman has control, and that users can’t see when you are online.  I have been on the app for two months, had many conversations that go nowhere. I make 3 attempts to engage in conversation but it’s usually one-word answers with no real follow up.  

If you can breakthrough and have a conversation and it moves to talking outside the app (Second Base in the online dating world) it can go one of three ways.

1. After the first hey this Blah Blah Blah text he will ask for more pics, usually Tit Pics
2. You keep talking and set up at date. Then they will just disappear off the face of the earth until one day the Aliens send them back and they WILL reach out to you a week or two later with “Hey how’s it going?”
3. You make it to a date only to find out that the pics were from 10 years ago when he was 60lbs lighter and had hair. Post current pictures please that way if someone swipes right, they are interested in the person they see now not 10 years ago.  I know it’s hard to put yourself out there and as you get older you want to hang on to those glory days. But just do it because your person is out there, and they will eventually find you.  Yes, even after all this I am hopeful that my person will find me.

So how do you survive online dating?

1. Focus on yourself, start a self-care routine. I’ve bought a spin bike and have been working out daily. I am lucky enough to have medical plan that allows me to use it for alternative health practices. I have gone to the naturopath, got a couple of massages, next will be acupuncture. All things the strengthen my wellbeing. The better your feel about yourself the less you care when thing go nowhere online.
2. Delete your account! If you find that you are getting jaded or depressed by it all it’s time to delete your account. I do believe we attract what we are putting out. If we are expecting to meet mister Tit Pic we will meet him just to confirm our belief that they are all like that.
3. Maybe you have meet someone with strong potential and want thing to move along but you must deal with them and all their options or what they perceive are options. When the reality is the pool is not that big. You must come to terms that this may drag on and you may never meet, it’s up to you to decide how long you are willing to stick it out.  If you do this keep your options open as well.

Good luck out there, I know you can find what you are looking for just don’t lose yourself in the process. When that person comes along hopefully it will just flow and everything will easily fall into place. Be strong, take care of yourself and remember you are not alone. The struggle is real, but we need to believe that the universe has our back and will send that perfect person our way when the time is right.

How to Stop Self-Criticism in 6 steps

As women we tend to be very critical of ourselves. It’s easy for us to sincerely praise and validate others but when it comes to valuing ourselves, we tend to be very critical and unforgiving. We need to quiet our critical inner voice as this will be one of the best self-love things we’ll ever do.

How to Stop Self-Criticizing

I have listed six steps to help quiet your inner critic. Go through the steps and you’ll discover a more peaceful and happy existence.

Follow these steps:

Step 1 – Acknowledge that self-criticism can be damaging. It destroys your self-esteem, confidence and prevents you from going after your dreams. Not to mention wreak havoc on your mental wellbeing.

Step 2 – Write down your criticisms and go through them one by one and ask yourself, “Is this really valid?” chances are it’s NOT, now cross it off your list.

Step 3 – Look at each criticism that you wrote down and figure out when that narrative began. Take time to resolve why you feel that way and forgive yourself.

Step 4 – Now it’s time to release the negative remarks from your repertoire because they simply hold no validity for you now. Create a list of positive remarks that way when a self-criticism pops in your head you have a positive to quickly replace that thought.

Step 5 – Replace your critical voice with the kind, supportive, caring voice you use with loved ones.

Step 6 – Stay focused, keep working at achieving your desires. You can challenge the validity of any criticism simply by continuing with your efforts.

Your got this, you are worthy of all that you desire. If you fall back into old habits of self-criticism just redo that steps. Now go and be the most confident, successful being that you were meant to be.

Remember your status may be Single but you’re not alone!

Tips on how to survive Valentine’s weekend when you are single

In case this pandemic has you locked down in a bunker without TV or internet. You are very aware that it’s Valentine’s Day this weekend. We are getting bombarded with ads telling you that if he loves you, he will give you diamonds. Or maybe you have friends that are celebrating Valentine week and getting special gifts daily until the big day. You see post of couples expressing their love and how happy they are to have found their soulmate.

I call bullshit on 80% of those posts and good for you on the 20% that have found their person. I have never been one to get caught up in the hype of Valentine’s Day, it’s not a stat holiday so I deem it useless. Give me that day off work and I will get excited about it.

Does Valentine’s Day get you down?

I know some of you are probably feeling that loneliness of this time of year and it is to be expect. We can’t socialize due to lockdowns and the guilt that if you break the rules you may unknowingly be spreading the virus because you are an a-symptomatic spreader. Then on top of the pandemic stress, you have all the damn ads and posts making you feel unlovable because you are single!

You are loveable and to celebrate all that makes you…You! Take this weekend to show yourself some love and make Valentine’s Day as celebration of your awesome lovable self!

Tips on how to can celebrate you:

1. Buy something pretty. Have you been eyeing a pretty pair of earrings, or longing to buy those sexy thigh high boots? I am sure there is something you want and are thinking I wish I had someone to buy those for me. Don’t wait for that someone, buy them for yourself. The best gifts are the ones we get ourselves because we get exactly what we want!
   
   
2. Drink till you feel pretty. If you can see your friends, rally the troops and have a girl’s night in. Play games, drink wine, and remind each other that you are all fabulous!
   
   
3. Indulge in you favourite meal. Make your favorite meal, or order from your favourite place. Maybe you have been avoiding carbs and are dying for a pizza, I say make Valentine’s day a guilt free day for indulgence.  
   
   
4. Pamper yourself. Take a long bubble bath with a good book and a glass of wine. Give yourself a manicure/ pedicure, put on makeup to go grocery shopping because when you feel good you ooze confidence.

• Do an act of kindness. Most times the best gifts are the ones we give to others. There is a lot of joy to be had when you know you have brighten someone else’s day. I have a lovely 85 year old neighbour that lost her husband last April so I am going to put a little gift bag together for her and leave at her door on Sunday morning. She is always giving me little treats it the least I can for her.

How will I be celebrating?

My wonderful government is allowing me a single person to mingle with another household during this second round of lockdown in Ontario. I mean it only took them 10 months to figure out that maybe it’s not the best idea to have people living alone be totally isolated.

I have been invited to my brother’s (the household I have been mingling with) for Valentine’s Dinner, I go every week to mooch a meal but this week it’s going to be Valentine’s Day, I was told the menu, but my sister-in-law lost me a homemade chocolate cheesecake!

I am also expecting to get a chocolate man, my sister-in-law has gotten me them in the past, so I’m excited about that. Seriously ladies nothing feels better after a bad day of working for a narcissistic male then coming home to bite the head off your chocolate man.

Whatever you do this weekend enjoy yourself, be kind to yourself and remember you are not alone!

Guilty pleasure Friday – Kingdom edition

Last week Queen B shared with us how she is entertaining herself with TikTok to help get through the pandemic.  I have not gone down that road, because I have Netflix to finish.

Yes, binge watching shows is my go-to, it started last March with Tiger King and I haven’t stopped. I can usually get through a season of something in a weekend. I have been watching Kingdom for the last 3 months, this series is only 3 seasons and I am currently on the 3^rd season now, but I need to take breaks from it.  Why? Because I absolutely love Jay Kulina.

Why I am obsessed with Jay Kulina…

I love this character because he’s sexy, witty and lives life like it’s his last day on earth. He trains hard, parties hard and loves hard.  Having a mother who had abandoned him has left him with deep seeded emotional issues. Even though he can be hot temper it is not without reason, he is fiercely protective of the people that he loves. As one love interest put it “His heart is too big for this world”.

Also, he can fill out a pair of man panties! Damn!

Why I need to take a break from Kingdom?

This show has everything, drama, romance, and MMA fighting. But I need to take breaks because Jay consumes my thoughts, I am embarrassed to say I cannot get the man out of my head. I think about what he has gone through and what he is going through. I understand his struggle to better himself and no one seeing him as nothing but the hot-headed fighter.

 I often wonder why is it so hard to meet to man like Jay? A man that has a passion for something, is loyal, will protect you at all cost and love you like there is no other.  Really what this comes down to is we need the world to go back to normal. I need to get out there and start meeting people so that I can stop fantasizing about a TV character!

In the meantime, I will get my Jay fix weekly and hope by the time I am done I can go back out in to the world.

Can you relate to this? Is there a TV crush that keeps you distracted? What have you been bingeing and why?

Guilty Pleasure – TicTok Edition

Hi Gals,

I know it’s been a while and I’m happy to report I am no longer single. I’ve actually been in a relationship for over 7.5 years, which in my world is a lifetime. With all the craziness in the world and being off and on with quarantine as well as living in a 1 bedroom condo with my boyfriend you need to find little guilty pleasures that you can enjoy, and which keep you sane.

People have a love, hate with social media as do I, and it’s not like I subscribe to all forms of social media, for example I don’t have Facebook, but I’ve found a guilty pleasure in TikTok. I don’t even remember why I downloaded the app, maybe I liked the idea that you don’t have to have an account to be a Tiktokker, meaning no subscription is needed. You just get the app and easily scroll through random people’s accounts and see what they are up to or what’s on their minds.

The appeal of TikTok.

1. You hear songs you may or may not know but also see dances that people have created for them.
   1. In my head I can and do the dances flawlessly so I’m an expert.
2. I assume the algorithm is different if you’ve logged in but whatever they are using I do see find people on repeat who appeal to me.

It’s my guilty pleasure and aside from ruining some songs for Francesco – sorry “Tricky” and RunDMC it provides me a nice little break.

The funny thing about this platform is that I see people saying parents or people over 40 etc… shouldn’t be on it. Well I’m a puppy parent and over 40 so screw you, plus my mom is addicted and I find this amazing because she is in her mid-70’s. I tried to see what she gets on her feed but she wouldn’t let me, but I did joke with her that I want to see her TikTok dance the next time I visited.

Anyways this isn’t an ad and I’m not telling you to sign-up to Tiktok just letting you know that this is something I’ve embraced which has brought smiles to my face and kept me in the know with music.

Would you live here?

Single Gals Utopia (A.K.A. Cougarville) – Where the grass is lush, and the bushes are trimmed.

I don’t plan on being single forever, but it may be the case. Dating today is hard and gets harder as we get older. The online dating world frustrates me to say the least. Meeting organically is impossible since we are all in lockdown. What are we Single Gals to do?

We should buy land…

Here’s my plan, I think we should ban together and purchase a big piece of land and build our own gated community. We all have our own homes with pools, tiki bars and an endless supply of wine.

Only good-looking men attend to the property, we’ll have pool boys, chefs and fitness instructors. We can sustain our community by selling our quarantine crafts. Ladies continue pom pomming, bedazzling, knitting, making mask sprays, beauty products and whatever else you’ve taken up during this past year.

In Single Gals Utopia there is no judgement! We will support, motivate, and rally for each other. No one will ever feel lonely and we will have an endless supply of hot men so we can all have one if we want

There will be activities such as:

• Erotic book club with wine
• Cooking classes with wine
• Daily fitness classes (wine after)
• Snow showing with wine (just because we need a winter activity)
• Disco Friday’s (just for you Alison, you know who you are)

Our theme song will be:

Courgerville ♬

Nibblin’ on Nachos

Watchin’ the Pool boys

Waxing my legs with high hopes

Smellin’ the french fries♫

Wastin’ away in Cougarville

 looking for my corkscrew for a twist off top.

Some people claim there’s a man to blame and their right! 

 Everybody knows it’s his damn fault. ♫

Now the big Question…

Would you live here?

Got an interview?

It’s been almost two years since I lost my job and the day I lost my job, I immediately went online and started job hunting. The next day I got phone call asking if I could come in for an interview on Friday just two days later. Now keep in mind that I did not sleep the night I got the news, nor did I eat that day or the next. I was just running on coffee and a strong will to keep it together. I was excited to have an interview but no where near being emotionally sound enough to handle it. I was still trying to process it all.

The interview…

Interview day arrives, I’m running on 4 hours sleep and a large black coffee. I get there and the doorbell to the office is not working, I’m panicking because I was 15 minutes early and did not want them to think I was late. I call the woman I am meeting to tell her I was outside, she comes to get me and I realized I could have just knocked it was a glass door and a small office (not proud but I was not fully functioning). My interview is with the HR manager and the finance manager, they were both pleasant and very nice. I was no nervous my hands had a life of their own, it got so bad that I sat on them to stop them from flailing all over the place. I eventually said I’m so sorry I am nervous and I really have no idea why my hands are moving so much. This broke the ice and the HR manager said ‘I know dear, I was going to let you know it’s ok, and word of advice if you go on other interviews just let them know you are nervous’. They had asked me when did I get notice of being laid off, I’m shocked them when I said it was 2 days ago, but this also explained to them why I was so nervous.

I survived the interview, even cracked a joke as I was leaving. I’m not 100% sure how I did it but by the end of that day I got offered the job. When I talked to the HR manager she said she liked me before meeting me. She said I was well spoken and she loved my resume. She also proceeded to tell me that she thinks the company will be very lucky to have me. I almost cried because I’m being appreciated before I even get through the door. It was validation that I am worthy and have value in the work place.

I did take that job but have moved on. It was what I needed to keep my head above water because I would not have survived on EI.

The moral of this story is always be yourself and be honest when you feel you are not representing yourself properly. We may feel like a hot mess but others may not see you that way. Remember we are our worst critics.

Good luck to all those on the job hunt, the universe will provide.

Remember you’re not alone!

No Job, No Money, No Prospects, No Man

The day I lost my job…

Last Wednesday I went into work and it was like every other day, except that day, I was told, I was being laid off. Deep down, I knew that it would happen eventually if things did not pick up for the business, because I am the accountant. I figured I had more time and that it would be on my own terms. Losing a job is tough, even if you wanted out of there. But the worst part for me was how it all went down. I worked with all men and I was treated differently. I didn’t get an annual raise, but the (we’ll call him) young guy in the office did. He deserved it, but so did I.

When my boss/company owner laid off the warehouse guy, he did it between just the two of them, no witnesses. But when he called me into the boardroom to do the same, it was with him and said young guy, my junior. This made the experience even more humiliating.

To recap, I walk into the boardroom and see the young guy sitting at the table, I ask “what’s this about” and he shrugs his shoulders. My boss walked in and stands behind the young guy. He starts by saying “you know we are going to be laying people off and I want to know if you want a package or the offer to come back if things pick up?” At first, I thought he was talking to me and the young guy. I’m looking at them looking at me, and then realize that this meeting is meant just for me. I sit there as every emotion possible passes through me, but the biggest injustice was stripping me of my dignity. I had to process this news in front of my co-worker. As tears start to hover, I get up, walk out of the room, get my purse and leave the building. I was not going to let them see me breakdown.

Fuck you!

I drove home in tears, mostly from the indignity that I felt. I was angry because I felt the lack of respect. The tears were tears of frustration and fear. I am single, with a mortgage, and the weight of that hit me in the chest. I felt like there was a 300 pound man sitting on me. I couldn’t breath and I thought I was going to throw up. Losing your job is hard, my parents and brother went through it, but for them, at least they had a partner to rely on. When you have no one to lean on to get you through the tough financial times or, to have as a support system, you panic. In that moment I realized just how alone I was. My friends and family are wonderful and they were there for me, but  at night when you’re lying in bed and the fears return because you are no longer distracted, is when  you feel the loneliness. Those are the moments that I know I want a partner. I wanted to cry on someone’s shoulder, to be hugged and told it’ll be okay and that “we’ll get through it”.

I eventually told my boss I wanted the package, and that meant I had to go in the next day. The young guy was surprised to see me, said “I didn’t think you’d return”. But I had to. I’m the only one that will do up my unemployment record and do payroll, and I want to ensure I get what’s owing to me. If I didn’t need the money I would have said “fuck you”. I mustered all that I had to get myself in there that next day, only to find he had changed all my passwords, so I couldn’t do anything. He tells me to get the filing in order and to make list of where everything is for him…just an excuse for more indignity. I asked him “why are you making me feel like a criminal?” I never got an answer. Eventually I got my access back, and he gave me a list of things he wanted done by end of next week …..the final indignity.

I know this is a blessing in disguise. The universe has pushed me out of a very demeaning situation. I only have one more week of dealing with a chauvinistic boss, and a pervey programmer (blog to follow). I will no longer be made to feel bad for doing my job properly and, I won’t have to listen to all the cock talk any more. There is a silver lining…

If you are reading this and are, going through something similar, I know how you are feeling. The weight on your chest is heavy, but hopefully you have a shoulder to lean on when you crawl into bed. If you are alone like me, the only way to not be crying all the time is to get into survival mode. Put your focus on your resume, jump on Indeed and start applying for jobs. Submit your application for Employment Insurance so there are no delays. Call your friends and family. The first days are an emotional whirlwind, you’ll have no appetite, no sleep, nervous poos and constantly be on the verge of tears, but you will get through this.

If you’ve lost a job please share your experience with us. Tell us how you got through it or, if you need a shoulder to lean on, we are here.

Remember you’re not alone!

It’s not you….I’m asexual

I’m blogging again as a single gal. I was not going to post about anything that happened in my last relationship or in this case didn’t happen, but I think there may be others out there that need to know they are not alone. I was with my ex for 4 years, and now that I’ve had time to find me again I’m sharing my story.

As with all relationships, it started off with great expectations. I think that is where it all went wrong but that’s another blog post. Things were good, not great but sometimes you think you want something so bad you make it better then it is. There were signs in the beginning that told me this was not going to last forever but nothing prepared me for the emotional mind fuck of my partner telling me he that he was asexual. I Googled asexuality and just stared at this definition….

What is Asexuality?

Asexuality is a sexual orientation characterized by a persistent lack of sexual attraction toward any gender. At least 1% of people are believed to be asexual.

Now you may be wondering how this conversation came about, it was actually a big issue in our relationship. After a couple years he was just not interested in me physically. Of course I internalized that but tell me how you couldn’t. Your with someone and they wanted you in the beginning but then lose interest. We had lengthy conversations about it. At first it was all about his past, his issues with his father and the trauma he caused. I was trying to understand and suggested he talk to someone to help him address these issues. He did go to one therapy session but decided he’ll deal with it on his own. Eventually this lead him to Google his lack of intimacy issues and he decided he was asexual.

I did not share this with anyone for a long while. I was so hurt and felt so rejected that I could not have anyone else know of my shame. It took a long time for that to fester into anger instead I went into sad ugly place. I stopped doing things I loved, this is not his doing, he just said the words but this is how I let them effect me. I just continued to go through the motions of being in a relationship until I could no longer stand myself. Yes I could not stand how I let myself go and I wanted more. I could no longer live in his world of anger and self pity, so I ended it.

Ending the relationship was the easy part it had ended long before I walked away. The hard part was the struggle to get my self-esteem back. When someone would rather believe they were asexual then be intimate with you it, it leaves a scar. You feel unloveable and it hurts. For anyone that is feeling this way at this moment I can tell you it’s their issues NOT yours, even thought this is true it will not sink in. You have probably told yourself over and over it’s not me, however deep down you don’t believe that.

The struggle is to get your beliefs about yourself to match all the good stuff you tell yourself. All the positive self talk in the world will do fuck all if you don’t believe what you’re saying! So how do you get yourself to the place of believing. Start by doing something that you love. For me that’s working out, nothing makes me feel stronger then when I feel like I’ve pushed myself.

What is that thing that makes you feel invincible?

All you need to do is find that thing. You know what it is, it’s whatever gives you joy. The thing that if you talk about it, you light up. Finding your thing will slowly lead to the new you! Start there the rest just falls into place. You will find your confidence again, you WILL feel desirable and loveable again. I am still working on me and that’s a good thing it’s when we stop working on ourselves that we let our truth be taken from us.

We are all lovable in our own ways, we just need to find the people that accept us as we are!

Remember you are not alone!

Running but I did not find the high…

A couple of months ago Steve (my main squeeze) and I decided we want to add to our workout repertoire, so we hired our friend and awesome trainer Lanny to help get us to the next level of fitness. We have just finished our 10 sessions and I am happy to say I can now fit into my favorite pair of black jeans that last year I could not  button up. Now I can button them and still have a little wiggle room. SWEET!

Steve is just all around amazing, he has lost over 50lbs in the last two years, and together we plan to reach our fitness goals. So to get there we decided that every Tuesday and Thursday we will do a late evening 5K run.   

Yesterday was my first attempt at running the 5k with Steve and Lanny. It started off all fine and dandy; I had my breathing under control and I was able to ignore the different areas of pain I was feeling in my legs. However somewhere along the way I was overcome with anger, I was pissed that I decided this was good idea, pissed that I was not experiencing that runners high. I seriously had hoped by now I would be feeling like Leo DiCaprio in Basketball Diaries as he is running through the field. Sadly no feelings of euphoria came but oh joy what’s up ahead.. a hill! A fucking Hill!!!

I start-up the hill; it was rough going and it only got worse. As I watch my running buddies stride up it with ease,  my anger came back.  I could not ignore the pain in my thighs any longer and I broke the one rule we had and that was ‘No Stopping on the Hill’. Fuck the rules I say and I stopped! BIG mistake that was, suddenly my well controlled heart rate went through the roof, I felt like I was having an asthmatic attack verging on a panic attack.  I could feel the onset of frustration tears when I see my main squeeze striding towards me. Instantly I was overcome with that peaceful feeling I get when he is around and the urge to punch him in the face because at that moment I blamed him for this stupid idea of running.

In his calm manner he tells me to raise my arms over my head, and to take deep breaths through my nose.  I was able to get my breathing under control and the tears of frustration  that were hovering at that edge of my eyelids had slowly retracted back to be saved for another day. Needless to say this is one of the many reason why I love him.

We caught up to Lanny who was waiting for us at the top of the hill, they both made me feel better with words of encouragement and I was able to finish off what we started. The hill won this round but I will be back and I will conquer it!

Today I am a little sore but feel a lot better about the idea of running, I will give it another go on Thursday and continue until I conquer that hill!

If you have any tips to help me reach that runners high, I would love to hear them.