Iyanla Fix My ‘Love’ Life…

Monday evening I turn on the TV and it happens to be on the OWN network. I see that Iylanla Fix My Life is coming on next. I was about to change the channel when the show starts and Iyanla asked “what’s making you single?” Then she goes on to say that she will be dealing with common mistakes that women make causing them to remain single. Needless to say I sat my ass back down and did not move from the TV for the next hour.

First she starts off with ‘It’s not HIM! Stop blaming HIM!’ Very powerful words, at first you may read this and get your knickers all bunched up but after you’ve gotten over your righteous indignation really think about these words. The ‘HIM’ in your life may very well be a narcissistic ass that puts you down all the time, a  commitment phobe , lazy  or whatever else you have labeled the men that have let you down. When she says stop blaming him she is saying look deep within yourself and ask WHY did you pick him in the first place? Did you pick the man who constantly puts you down because you believe that you are not good enough so you picked someone who is willing to verbalize your belief?

Do you believe that all the good ones are taken? That all men just want one thing and do not want to commit? Or that you don’t need a man because you can take care of yourself? Whatever it is that you’re verbalizing for you lack of love is exactly what you will find. Our limiting beliefs and fears will show up in our world. Buddha said it best “All that we are is the result of what we have thought”

Iyanla asked the audience to truthfully answer the following questions:

1)      What’s getting in the way of finding the one you love? What gets in my ways is_______________

2)      What is it that you don’t want a man to know about you? I don’t want him to know __________________

In order to fix your single life you need to fix your belief system. So ladies grab a notepad and write down all of your limiting beliefs and fears, read them, think about them and then write a new postive affirming belief beside it. Say these new beliefs out loud and start believing them.

Iyanla gave everyone homework, she said to go out there and say Hi to every man you pass (every man without a women hanging off his arm that is). Just say Hi without expecting anything from it. So gals get out there and a flash your pearly whites, and see what happens.

I beleive you will find the love that you truly desire, do you?

Five things NOT to say to a Single Gal…

1)      Why are you single?  – This is usually followed-up up with a list of all our awesome qualities. I know the person saying this intends for it to be a compliment.  HOWEVER…

 The Single Gal interprets this as ‘OMG if I am so awesome WHY am I single? I must need to lose weight, stop fidgeting, be more serious etc.’ whatever we think our flaws are we will now start to obsess even more over them.

2)      You have a date? Why is HE single at 30-40 (etc.) something?  – If I can be an awesome single why can’t my potential date be just as awesome – a normal funny guy with a run of bad luck in the dating minefield.

 Saying this to a Single Gal will make her look for flaws therefore sabotaging the date before it has happened. Also this plagues our mind that people are saying the same thing about us to our potential date – Why is SHE single?

 3)      It will happen when you’re not looking for  IT – Contrary to popular belief we Single Gals are not always looking for IT (a.k.a The One, Happily Ever After, Soul Mate, Baby Daddy). After spending a certain amount of time in Singledom you give up on finding IT.

 Single Gals know this is just a polite way of saying ‘Sorry Girlfriend but you’re going to be single for a while so suck it up. I’m tired of hearing about you man less woes’

 4)      Maybe you should try online dating / Maybe you should try online dating again – When you say this to us you are confirming that we have officially been single way too long and you are starting to worry.

 If your Single pal has not tried online dating she is probably lying because we all hit that wall of desperation where online dating actually seems like a good idea. If she hasn’t told you it’s because she is embarrassed that after 3 months she did not get a date, or she is hiding her shame of desperation.

 If your Single Gal pal has tried online dating and it was a disaster… forget it she will never do it again.  Regardless of the friend whose cousin’s – sister-in-law’s – doctor’s – nanny’s daughter who met her husband online.

5)      We know this great guy you should meet – This is the most painful of all. When a Single Gal is told of a potential great guy, we go against our better judgement and actually get hopeful.  We are secretly hoping you will make it happen and that YES he is a great guy. Therefore when nothing comes of this, but the occasional oh we should really get you to meet so and so you are toying with our fragile emotional state. Even the most confident, secure, happy Single Gal will let the wall down a bit to indulge in the belief they are going to meet a great guy.

Even though your intentions are pure of heart you need to remember that we Single Gals are fragile somewhat desperate beings that have probably not been laid in a long while or had any male contact therefore putting us on the defensive.

Instead of trying to make us feel better about our Single status why not take your Single Gal pal out for drinks and be her wing woman.

Does size matter?

Could you date someone who you aren’t physically attracted to? For me, this question came along with a few dates I recently went on with a guy who is substantially shorter than me. Believe me, I am not a tall gal. I am all of 5’-5” but due to my love of heals, I typically linger in the 5’-8” range.  My suitor was only about 5’…..

We met at my yoga studio where we would occasionally sit and chat after class. I thought he seemed short, but we never ended up actually standing side by side (despite my attempts here and there to stand up early)! One day he asked for my number, which then proceeded with him asking me to meet him for drinks one evening. When he walked into the pub for our date, I have to admit that my heart sank as I saw how the top of his head only came up to my chin……However, the date itself went really well! He was confident, funny, intelligent and while we were sitting, I was able to forget about our height discrepancy. That is, until we stood up and walked around for a bit afterwards and I felt like I towered above him. I immediately became very uncomfortable again with our height difference. (How many of you saw that episode of Sex in the City where Samantha meets the short guy at the bar?)

I come from a family of tall men (strike that; very tall men!) where they are all well above 6’ (tallest brother is 6’-7” down to 6-2”!) and have never dated anyone shorter than 6’. I am used to being the shortest and that is where I am comfortable. But, although this scenario was out of my comfort zone, he seemed like a really nice guy so I decided to give it another go! Plus, I couldn’t help but ask myself if was I discounting this guy too quickly based on the physical package alone. Could I get over this? My own mother indicated that this may be why I’m still single (easy for her to say since she married a tall man that she thought was handsome!).

For our second date, he surprised me with a picnic dinner! It was incredibly thoughtful and it showed that he had clearly put some work into this date! It was definitely a romantic setting. Only it didn’t exactly feel romantic to me. I became painfully aware from the moment I got into his car that I was not attracted to him or interested in any type of physical relationship whatsoever. This despite his efforts to kiss me, massage me and feed me the entire time. I spent the evening trying to avoid physical contact, which was not exactly an easy task with this guy! Confidence is definitely attractive, but I was a bit surprised that he was not picking up on my continuous pulling away.

I know it is a European trait for a man to want to feed a woman, but I was quite uncomfortable with it and I do have to admit that I like my space and don’t always like to be constantly touched. I felt a little like I was the cat in the “Pepe Le Pew” cartoon.

Perhaps it is the way we women think, but I did not want to end a date that he had put so much thought and effort into by telling him that I did not see our relationship progressing into anything. So instead I gave him a short kiss and thanked him for a lovely evening.

I ended up phoning him a few nights later (after receiving a few text messages from him that again showed me we were not on the same page) to let him know that although I had a wonderful time with him that I did not see any type of romantic relationship developing with us and that I did not have feelings for him in that way. He said that he respected the fact that I was upfront and honest and we parted ways.

Was 2 dates enough to make up my mind about someone? Well, I definitely think so. I do think there has to be some sort of a spark or at least a bit of attraction. However, I do sometimes worry that I am looking for something that doesn’t actually exist; the perfect guy.
Do you think I am being to picky?  Would you date someone who you we not attracted to in hopes of forming an attraction? Is height an issue for you?

Commando Barbie

 

 

Men wearing flip flops with jeans … Hate it or love it?

Its summer, it’s hot! I get the need to cool down, but a guy wearing flip-flops with jeans is a BIG fashion NO. Well that and the half shoe..WTF is that all about? Guys spend the extra money and buy the whole shoe, you’ll be glad you did.

Flips flops and jeans just do not go together in my world; especially if you do not live remotely close to a beach / major body of water or on a date. Seriously, we do not need to see your gnarly toes hanging over your flip-flops on a first date. Wear your flip-flops with cargo shorts, swim trunks and your Capris (however that should be the least of your concerns if you are a grown man wearing Capris, just sayin). Guys if you just asked yourself  “What are Capris?” I have three words for you … “How YOU doin’?”

There are only two times when jeans and flips are allowed, if you fit into either of these categories feel free to wear your flip-flops:

1. You are Matthew McConaughey
2. You are a shirtless bronzed surfing god wearing your baggy jeans rolled up than YES you can wear flip-flops (Oh wait isn’t that the same as #1). Actually this look is greatly appreciated and is even acceptable on a date….Call me

How do you feel about men wearing flip-flops with jeans? Is this acceptable to you? Do you like the look?

My dating life has become a Seinfeld episode

Last Friday I went on a date…The first date of 2012! Everyone raise your hands up! I met him at a pub the week before and he seemed nice enough so I gave him my number and he text me a couple of days later. Normally texting irritates me but I seem to be the only one out there that thinks when you ask for a girl’s number you should call that girl.

We set up a coffee date, my choice because I thought it wise to get to know someone without the influence of alcohol. We meet outside of Starbucks, I realize that he reminds me of William Shatner (a young William Shatner) he even talked like him but lower and slower.

We grab coffee and head to the upstairs lounge; it was empty except for the one girl on her laptop at the other end of the room. He starts talking in a whisper I assume it was because of the girl on the laptop, but she was too busy chewing big wads of her hair and answering her numerous text messages to notice anything else around her.  I found the whisper a little off-putting because I did not hear half of what he said, and he did not move his lips so I could not lip read if I wanted to.

Shortly after a group of people sat down and started a lively conversation, but he did not get any louder and that’s when I realized I was on a date with a ‘Low Talker’ damn Seinfeld! He probably thought I was a close talker because I had to lean in hear him, which may have been a deal breaker for him as the low talking was for me.

I got through the date but I’m not sure how it ended, he said something about nachos and I replied sounds good. I may have agreed to a nacho date or maybe he said he really like nachos.

I walked home laughing because I know without a doubt my friends would have a field day if I dated a low talker. All in all it was not such a bad date, he seemed nice enough but he is definitely not a match for me.

If a date isn’t what you expected, it’s best just to laugh it off. Find the humor because it is the only way to survive in the dating game.

Have one of your dates felt like a Seinfeld episode?

Goodbye Bad Dates!

Need to be saved from a bad date? Not to worry there is an app for that! eHarmony has created a Bad Date Rescue app.

Here’s how the free app works:

• Users can pick a number from their address book for the call, from their mother, boss or a friend.

•  Scripts are available giving the reason for the call, such as a neighbor calling about a leaky pipe; a mother informing that a sister just had a baby; or a boss saying he needs help immediately.

•  The app can be pre-set before the date to call at a specific time and there is a quick rescue that can be triggered on the spot to ring in a few seconds or minutes.

Why didn’t they think of this 2 years ago when I had my date with Mr. 1986! I’ve just downloaded this app and good news is you do not need to be a member of eHarmony to use it. I wonder if they will come out with a ‘Guaranteed Date’ app (or is the Craig’s List?) so that I can test out the ‘Bad Date Rescue’ app.

Why doesn’t someone create a ‘Bad Life Choices Do Over’ app  or  ‘You’re Wearing Beer Goggles slap in the face’ app to stop us from making the drunken pick up.

If you try this app let us know we’d love to hear your stories.

Cheers to getting out of bad dates!

Are you alone, lonely or both?

If you’re single you are alone – meaning that you do not have a life partner; but are you lonely?

Lonely – The painful awareness of being alone

How do you know if you’ve crossed the line of aloneness into loneliness? I’ve crossed that line and I’m no longer happy being alone because let’s face it I’m lonely. Here are the things that made me painfully aware I am alone:

1)      Concerts – Summertime is usually a big concert going time of year for me, I love live music and I love going to big music events.  In the past I had a few people who I could call upon to join me in getting our ‘Rock On’.  However ‘Coupledom’ has claimed them and I cannot impose my crazy concert fetish on them any longer. This year that awareness hit me full force in the face and with that I realized… I’m lonely.

2)      Parties – I am the person that is always showing up alone and NOT because it is my choice.

3)      The warm weather – During the winter months it is easy to hideout and away from people because it’s just too damn cold (my go to excuse). However come spring / summer every time I leave the house I see couples frolicking about. It’s one more reminder that another season has passed and I am still alone.

4)      My iPhone – I love my phone it’s great as a paperweight, for listening to tunes, surfing the net, and getting the weekly calls from mom. It is also my constant reminder that no one is calling me to hangout or see how my day is going. When I go away with the girls they all get messages of – have a great trip, I miss you, and I can’t wait until you come home, etc.  I get a message from cellular provider to remind me that I’ve used 75% of my data plan.

5)      Movies – I love watching movies and every time I see a commercial for a new flick that I would like to see such as ‘The Dark Knight Rises’ or Savages it’s another reminder that I have no one to go with.

6)      Snooki – YES Snooki from Jersey Shores has found love.

Come on! Seriously this boggles my mind, she can find love and I can’t even get a movie date.

So what’s a gal to do when she realizes that she is lonely? I think we just need to ride the lonely wave, cry if you feel like it, feel sorry for yourself, devour a bag of chips, Mint Milano’s or tub of ice cream, write out the reasons why you are happy to be single…

Do whatever it is you want to do to acknowledge this feeling. Then get over it! We cannot let loneliness take over our lives, it’s just a moment and like all moments it too will pass and you will go back to being happily alone.

Are you happy to be alone or are you lonely? What do you do to get through the lonely phase of Singledom?

Hot dude to have a fun sex affair with, interested?

While I was blissfully sleeping during the wee hours of Sunday morning, my phone was beeping like mad with text messages. Turns out Nerdy Girl (formerly Single Chick) was on the hunt to find me a booty call. Yes it’s gotten so bad that even my girlfriends are worried the my Va J-J may wither up and die.

I think this is a hint that I need to put myself out there. To be honest I kind of lost interest in my single status.  I’m busy with my 101 in  1001 days list, planning my next vacation, working out, trying to cook and getting up the nerve to book ‘The Edge Walk‘ for my birthday on August 25.

Turns out this major cutie is a friend of a friend, so Nerdy Girl told him all about me (Oh my) and gave him my number.  According to her he seemed interested; I think her drunk meter was at 100% so her perception of his interest is probably way off. However it would be great if he did call because I would love to hear his recap of that conversation.

Are your friends trying to fix you up with random strangers?

Have any of these fix ups ever amounted to anything?

If he calls should I go on a date with him?

Are you overlooking someone?

A few weeks back I had a conversation with a friend’s parents (Roxy and The Big V) in which they said ‘Ok, Kiddo why are you still single?” Since their daughter and one of my BFF”s (formerly known on this blog as Single Chick) is currently in relationship land and they can sleep at night; now it is me that they inquire about.

Roxy asked me if there was someone right under my nose that I am over looking. I thought about it and sadly there is no one sniffing around my door. You see Single Chick had someone right under her nose, and he was very forward about his feelings for her. It took her some time (numerous bad dates) to realize that what she was looking for was right in front of her. They have been together as a couple for just over a year and are very happy.

Also my friend Gabbers who has been married for 10 years was friends with her hubby. He had made it clear that he liked her but she did not think they were a good match and should just be friends. Finally he got tired of hearing about her dates and told her they should be together. He then kissed her and they have been together ever since.

Next is Deeeelicious who is now living with the man the patiently waited almost two years for her to realize that they should be together. He too told her he wanted more than friendship but she said they should just be friends. Then on New Year’s Eve he grabbed her and kissed her; now they own a home together.

I have men in my life but I do not have someone on the sidelines vying for my love like Single Chick, Gabbers or Deeelicious. Or if I do he has not informed me of this but I can’t even fathom anyone in my current circle longing for my affections.

Guys if you are ‘that guy’ waiting for the girl of your dreams to take notice, follow in the footsteps of the men mentioned above. Grab your gal pal, kiss her and tell her you’ve had enough and if she doesn’t want you then you will leave her alone; you are done waiting! You have about a 90% chance of success, that’s  better than the 0% that you have right now.

I do not have someone who I’m pushing away with claims of ‘we are better off friends’; do you? Is there someone patiently waiting for you to realize that the two of you, are meant to be together? If so what’s holding you back?

The Bachelor is coming to Canada..

Hey Single Gals,

If your’re not afraid to put yourself up for public ridicule and are willing to claw your way through 25 other women vying for one man’s love you may want to consider applying for the The Bachelor Canada. Here are the dates and times for the open casting call.

• VANCOUVER
  Sunday, February 19
  11:00 am – 8:00 pm: Open casting call – Loden Hotel, 1177 Melville Street, Vancouver, BC
• CALGARY
  Tuesday, February 21
  11:00 am – 8:00 pm: Open casting call – Hyatt Regency Calgary, 700 Centre Street SW, Calgary, AB
• WINNIPEG
  Thursday, February 23
  11:00 am – 8:00 pm: Open casting call – Fort Garry Hotel, 222 Broadway, Winnipeg, MB
• TORONTO
  Saturday, February 25
  11:00 am – 8:00 pm: Open casting call – InterContinental Toronto Centre Hotel, 225 Front Street West, Toronto, ON
  Sunday, February 26
  10:00 – 2:00 pm – Open casting call – InterContinental Toronto Centre Hotel, 225 Front Street West, Toronto, ON
• MONTREAL
  Monday, February 27
  11:00 am – 8:00 pm: Open casting call – Hyatt Regency Montreal, 1255 Jean-Mance, Montreal, QC
• HALIFAX
  Tuesday, February 28
  12:30 pm – 8:00 pm: Open casting call – Halifax Marriott Harbourfront Hotel, 1919 Upper Water Street, Halifax, NS  

If you decide to find the man of your dreams on live TV, please let us know how it goes.

Good Luck!